Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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