awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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