Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
