there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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