Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
