So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
