Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
