I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
