I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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