Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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