Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize