You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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