everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
