there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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