I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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