How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
