I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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