my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
