Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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