Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Couch. On fire.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
