i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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