This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
