You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
