I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
