There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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