Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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