we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
