her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
