White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
