If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
soo... how was my night?
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