When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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