I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
