just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
