My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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