"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
