he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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