Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
