did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
