Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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