She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
