Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
