Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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