I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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