I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
