jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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