The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
