I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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