my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm at about main and main street
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
