He told me they were just razor bumps!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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