If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
