It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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