Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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