I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
