tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
