I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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