The police scanner is talking about you again....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
