I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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