Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
