I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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