just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
