Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
3pm strippers are depressing
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
